Just so were are clear. I don't still love you. Period. End of story. You fucked me beyond repair and there comes a point where my head and my heart know that I deserve better, and it is time to move on. I'm not you and I'm not like most people, that being said, I know myself and I know that we are completely done. You are fucking psycho and need to leave me and Jess alone. This was between us, you don't need to pull her in. You fucked this up. You did. You were in a relationship and being unfaithful. So I ended it. Bam, broken up. I am depressed, you are depressed, then you go run off with Dani and don't give a fuck about my feelings because (I'm assuming that) I visited Jess in NYC along with Kasch, Jacob, and all of his friends. So what did you go and do? In spite you go off with Sydney, Linder, and Dani and rub that shit in my face on the internet. The day prior to that you were telling me how you didn't fucking want Dani and I was the one you wanted, and I was probably going to be with you when you got your shit together. But no, I woke up on Saturday morning to that bullshit picture. Slap me in the fucking face somemore. I told you I hated you. Then you asked why so I called you and proceeded to confront you about the picture, which you tried to act like you knew nothing about. Then hang up in my face. So mature. That was the breaking point. Yeah, I was upset for about an hour, but I got out, talked to Michelle and Alyssa, took pictures of myself, listened to music and had a great day with my friends. I proceeded to do that on Sunday as well, meanwhile, I was texting Jess, just talking to her because she was there for me to talk to on Friday when I visited her, so I updated her on how you hooked up with Dani, and we continued to have normal conversation. We texted nonstop. Tuesday morning around 1am, we established that there were mutual attractions to one another. About an hour later, you call and get all psycho because of what is happening with me and Jess. You honestly didn't know anything, no one knew anything and it didn't need to be fucking blasted about on the internet. You talk all high and mighty about how you are single and can do whatever the fuck you want, even though Dani was my friend because you are on your single status bullshit, but the minute you realize that I am actually happy and moving on with my life, you cry to me on the phone, after I told you to NEVER contact me again. But I talked to you because I am a good fucking person just so you can go fucking psycho again. You are being extremely bipolar and dramatic, and everyone is done listening. I don't know how to put it into easier terms. I will try bullet points, let's recap.

• You want Dani
• I find out through snooping
• You label yourself with the title of 'fuck up' and do nothing to get me back (not like you could but...)
• Your life falls apart - sympathy shifts from me to you because you always make everything about you
• I don't feel for you anymore when you come to see me - no butterflies, no sadness, just dead.
• You cry to me about how you don't want anyone else, you don't want to be with Dani, you aren't jumping from me to Dani, if there is anyone that you want to be with, it's me.
• I go to NYC and you bitch me out on the phone for visiting Jess at work
• You hook up with Dani
• I drunkenly talk to Jess and Angel and Shane about how much you suck.
• I wake up to the picture on Linder's tumblr, tell you I hate you and to never talk to me again.
• I post angry things on Tumblr
• You post your "I'm single, this is my life, IDGAF bullshit" - no sympathy for me even though you are the FUCKING DEVIL
• I get off the computer, later forced off by Kris and Val
• Commence Jess texting full of compliments like I am with all my girl friends
• Sunday I go to sushi, talk about life, smile while I'm texting Jess because she tells me nice things and is a wonderful girl. I am happy.
• Monday I text her nonstop, we establish we like eachother
• I am happy again and feel free from you.
• You call me multiple times, I tell you I don't want to talk to you.
• You call me suicidal, so I listen. Then you freak out on me, Jess, Angel, Tumblr, and Facebook about how awful I am for going after your best friend that you never talk to.
• You tell me how horrible I am and I honestly laugh at you because I was so fucking depressed and you did nothing for me. I didn't rub shit in your face, and I didn't do shit out of spite. You sound like a 5 year old on the phone.
• You call me again apologizing for being a fucking psycho. I tell you that you are dead to me. I don't trust you and your word doesn't mean shit.
• You call me at 4 am when I am finally asleep
• You text me random bullshit throughout the day that I honestly don't care about, because I told you to never contact me again.
• After class on Tuesday I go to NYC to surprise Jess.
• Have an amazing evening with her and Angel.
• You contact Jess, you contact me after calling both of us a fuckton of times. You are angry again, what else is new. You start crying. I don't have anything left to say to you. I don't feel sympathy for you and I am over the bullshit.
• You bitch out Jess somemore. When you should just stop now.
• I am single.
• Jess is almost 21 years old, she lives on her own, and she is very mature for her age, she can do whatever she wants.
• Let's remember that you fucked her ex boyfriend. You cheated on me with an ASIAN from California, and you royally fucked up our relationship by going after Dani.
• You fucked up, and that's all you will ever fucking say. Rather than talking shit to Jess and saying how much you hate us both, take a fucking look at yourself. Stop your stupid fucking psychotic bullshit and back the fuck up.
• You are acting like a child and I honestly have no fucking idea who you are and frankly, I don't want to try anymore.
• Stop acting like a fucking victim. This all started because you ruined my trust in you. You ruined the relationship. And you never gave a fuck about me.
• Jess shows me how I deserve to be treated and we aren't even dating. We are getting to know one another, and she already treats me better than you treated me our entire relationship.
• Stop bitching and leave it alone.
• Happy one month.
• Fuck off.

The nights are the worst. Not falling asleep with someone, not even you, or waking up to someone cuddled with me is just a hard thing to get used to. I hate having to repeat what happened over and over. I hate having "how are you?" asked at least 20 times a day because I'm not sure how to answer. But things will get better over time. It's better that I deleted everything off my phone, including numbers so I don't act on texting you. I feel like a never really knew you. You never really loved me and I was just a hiccup from Nicole. I want to talk to Nicole to see how you work, but maybe you are just a sociopath. Either way, I'm lonely, the situation is unfortunate, and I can only distract myself for so long. Unlike you, I don't just have another bitch lined up for me, and I have thrush from you so I'm not just trying to make out with people. I'm not sure what to feel anymore because it's all pointless. I just think it's funny that you pretend to give a fuck about me. Next girl I date must have nice teeth, be intelligent, not medicated, can handle her liquor, is grateful, knows what she wants, and will love me and treat me the way I love and treat her. I will never doubt her love for me. And she won't smoke cigarettes. And she will go to the gym with me. I like all of these things. I can only really look towards the future because the present is unbearable at times. I've lost weight this past week from not eating. I hate that I will be alone on Valentine's Day and more importantly, my father's death anniversary. But I've always been alone. I can do this. I just want to be okay. It'd be nice to have someone fighting for me for once.

stuck.

Alone. Sad. Apathetic.

It's really annoying to feel like this. I can only imagine how much I must annoy you. I really wish Nicole would stop having an impact on your life. I wish I could feel the words you say to me more than when it is just us together. I know you love me. I know it. I can feel it when we are together. Why is it when we throw alcohol, drugs, or other people to the mix that that seems to just fade away? I don't like feeling insecure. And I'm searching for a place to point to, a place that I can hold responsible for this feeling. Maybe it's Nat. Maybe it's because you don't push Dani off of you. Maybe it's because you get mad at me when I explain my feelings of insecurity to you rather than comfort me. Maybe it's just the way I am. I feel helpless and I'm sick and I just need to vent. I just want to come and see you right now and I can't. I just hope that you love me just as much as I love you. I fucking hate myself and I really just don't know how to stop feeling jealous or insecure. Help me. 

I can hardly wait to ask you to be my girlfriend.